Procrastination, fear, and self-care? Okay, I'll bite.

I spend much of my days thinking about what I should be doing, such as cleaning out my closet, exercising, folding my clothes, avoiding chocolate, finding new clients, writing something. This to-do list swirls in my head as I wash my face, answer emails, and drive my son to tennis. That is until I lie on my bed and search for the perfect eyeshadow...for an HOUR.

Scrolling on my phone is one thing I do to procrastinate and numb myself.

It is during these moments when I sit at my computer or on my phone reading about some reality star I have never heard of whose relationship is suddenly very important to me that my mind becomes numb and vacant. It is as if my brain is the inside of a Target, or, on really bad days, a Walmart. There is no character. No joy. No living. I just walk and walk looking for something that will bring me joy that I don't have to work for. It's a desert.

This is where I am in my life right now. My procrastination is driven by fear and is not helped by my reluctance to do what I know will get me out of a rut, like self-care. I know this. But, no matter. Instead of self-care, I choose to numb myself by scrolling through my phone and buying another dress I don't need. And let's not kid ourselves. I am an award-winning life number. Alcohol. Food. Religion. Shopping. "Something," I cry out to the ether, "Please numb me."

Now in the early days, alcohol was awesome. I would drink (too much) and create the person I would become. A writer. A singer. A muse. But it was all a hazy dream.

This morning I woke up and grabbed my phone. My husband wanted me to play tennis with him, and I was hoping the rain that fell overnight was enough to wash the courts out. It was, at least for the morning. But I didn't stop there.

Before I knew it, I was mindlessly scrolling to see who was playing tennis without me. "Why don't they ask me to play," I said to myself. Then I headed over to LinkedIn, as I am once again searching for a career lifeline. "Look how happy they are in their job?" or "She got a new job...how the...?"

However, this time I wasn't numb. My head was swirling. Soon after, my stomach joined in. I stared at myself in the mirror. At least 10 things were vying for my brain's attention, and all of them were screaming at me with disappointment and disdain.

"How fucking hard is it to take a walk?" One voice in my head asked.

" I can always do it later," another part of me answered.

"What have you done wrong in your career that you are back to the fucking drawing board? What are you doing wrong?" Another voice asked.

"It's because you don't meditate and exercise regularly," another one answered. "You meditated yesterday and your day was great."

I turned away from the mirror, and there I was again, staring back at myself from my husband's mirror. "And look at your body. Look at those rolls."

"STOP," I screamed to the voices in my head. "I am taking a fucking walk."

And I did. Sometimes I listen to the birds and watch the squirrels, and sometimes, like today, I listen to my music very loudly. And I daydream.

Near the end of my walk, I took an assessment. My head was not swirling and neither was my stomach. I know fear drives the procrastination and the voices in my head. To be honest, I am not sure what I am afraid of, but I am beginning to recognize that in many cases, fear drives my inaction. Even when I know I should put one foot in front of the other, the fear pulls me back into bed or onto my phone.

However, today when I was overwhelmed, I turned to self-care. I took a walk, and it worked. It silenced the voices and the fear. But self-care for me is not just about taking a walk. It is also doing what I need to do, like showing up for myself and my family, doing what I have said I will do, and being kind. Because when I do these things, my mind is quiet and I am at peace.

A friend of mine often says about himself, "I have a tendency to choose unsustainable life strategies." So do I. Today, however, I am going to do something I recoiled from for many years: take it one day at a time and choose sustainable life strategies. As another friend always says, join me?