Yes. Eating Disorders Do have Consequences

I remember the exact moment I dove headfirst into my eating disorder, also referred to as ED. My first son was 17 months old. I was 37, and I had just lost 20+ pounds of baby weight. It was rainy outside but warm and gloomy. My husband was having drinks and dinner with some co-workers and he wanted me to come by to show off the baby.

I was nervous, as I was about every social interaction at that time. Looking out the window from our bedroom I was letting my nerves churn in my stomach while my son rolled on the floor listening to MTV Hits. I turned toward the TV just in time to see the singer Pink use a toothbrush to throw up in a dance club sink. Yes, I know. It was a commentary on a culture obsessed with thinness. I decided to ignore the real message and instead lit up at the possibilities purging could open up for me.

The headlines were flashing in my head. "You too can eat hamburgers and French fries." "Eat what you want just don't forget the toothbrush." I scooped up my son, took him to the show and tell and then drove my ass to McDonald's where I ordered two quarter pounders with cheese and two large fries. I took my stash home, ate it all and promptly threw it up...using a toothbrush.

I had found the secret. I could maintain the weight I had lost and eat whatever I wanted. What I did not realize at the time was that my diet had set me up for this moment months before. It had tripped a wire in my brain, and my relationship with food would never be the same.

According to the Emily Program, 25% of individuals who engage in dieting will go on to develop a full-blown eating disorder. I happen to be one of the lucky ones who would go on to have what you would call "full-blown" bulimia.

Now that I look back on it, my issues with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and my reliance on alcohol to deal with it should have been a flashing red light. I was always up for an easy way out. Don't want to deal with the anxiety reverberating through my body? Drink it away. Want to keep the weight off but eat like a maniac? Puke it up, my friend.

These choices of mine, however, have had consequences. l I am what many would call a high-bottom drunk. I was lucky that I didn't totally destroy my life or someone else's before I got sober. But there were many fights with my husband, missed deadlines, missed opportunities and lost friendships.

Yesterday, I learned about the consequences of my eating disorder. For about a year, I have been uncomfortable. My stomach will swell until I look six months pregnant, seriously. I sometimes have heartburn 24/7. My doctor told me to note what I ate right before my stomach swelled or I had heartburn. What I found was that anything I ate could throw my body into chaos. My mother and sister said I was being silly. They were also the ones who told me to walk off my kidney stone when I was 17.

Despite their great advice, I decided to have an endoscopy anyway. The results: years of purging had damaged my esophagus and caused a hiatal hernia. Both of these can be easily managed, but the discovery made me face the fact: I have been doing real damage to my body. Now what am I going to do about it?

My family and I are going on a trip in April, and I have been thinking about how I want to lose XX amount of pounds. (In ED land you aren't supposed to use numbers.) Trying to actively lose weight through restriction and an unhealthy reliance on the scale is probably not a good idea considering the circumstances. For one thing, this type of thinking and the related restriction leads this girl to binge, then purge. In short, restriction is BAD.

And then there is the calming effect I get from food. I have assigned it an emotional role, my therapists tell me. I guess I have needed a lot of support lately because I have been indulging in muItiple Twix bars a day. Yeah, that's not good either.

So this is where I have landed: I am just going to have to treat my body with kindness. Eat mindfully. Love my body (that even hurts me to write that for so many reasons). Take care of myself. I can eat what I love, which includes Twix bars, but I have to find the middle ground between restriction and excess, which for me is not as easy as it sounds.

So I have started the week off mindfully. Committed to finally giving my body the care it deserves and to address my anxiety not with food or alcohol but with kindness and mindfulness. I will let you know how that goes.